How 'bout this version:

I know Santa Claus is a man.... I guess I'll be the one to uphold 
sacred myth, because I know he's a he. Think about it.  Christmas 
is a big, organized,cut-throat, commercial venture, and I have a 
tough time believing a gal has the testosterone to possibly pull it all 
off!

For starters, the vast majority of women spend months thinking 
about selecting a Christmas gift.  It's as if they are all genetically 
programmed to hunt for that "perfect" gift right up until the 24th of 
December, and then moan to other shopping challenged women 
that they can't find a thing to buy with only 300 shopping days until 
Christmas.  Santa has to pick gifts for literally billions of people,
a task requiring split-second decisions.....something no woman 
could ever hope to accomplish.

Once at the mall, women always seem surprised that the one item 
they found for the perfect gift isn't on sale.    On this count alone,
I'm convinced Santa is a man.  Surely, if he were a woman, 
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find 
a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag, with the 
sale sticker still on it.

Another problem for a she-Santa would be getting there.  First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be turned loose 
into the wild amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that enslaving them 
is cruelty to animals and violates at least ten PETA beliefs.   Even if 
the female Santa did have reindeer, she'd still have transportation 
problems because she would inevitably smash the sleigh into a wall 
while trying to get out of the parking lot, bending the frame and 
rendering it unable to fly.   Add to this the fact that there would be 
unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Martha Stewart-like
Santa would stop to clean every brick in the flue.  She would also 
need to clean and dust every gas fireplace, and get into every 
Christmas tree to ensure the lights are set in an aesthetically and 
geometrically eye-pleasing pattern.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a woman:
  * Women can't pack a bag small enough to fit on the sled.
  * Women would rather be dead than caught in black leather.
  * Women would feel their femininity is threatened...being the only
     women among all those elves.
  * Women don't answer their mail.
  * Women would refuse to allow their physique to be described 
even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
  * Women aren't interested in stockings unless they're wearing 
them.
  * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
    ability to pick up men, who might mistake it as a job description.
  * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require 
intelligence.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are 
women...
Baby New Year shows up once a year in a diaper and thinks she's 
cute. 
Definite chick.  
Cupid flies around naked and doesn't even even have a real man's 
compound bow (not that she could draw the string back anyway).  
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to take all our money and spend 
it on useless programs.   Any one of these individuals could pass 
the estrogen screening test.  But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.  As 
long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and 
Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably 
makes little difference what gender Santa is.  I just wish he'd find 
the person who penned the original to this and fill her stocking with 
coal!