Quips and Quotes
 
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."  --Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing:  'This looks much better on.'  On what?  On fire?" 
--Rita Rudner

"USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."  --David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing
and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."  --Bob Saget

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah
an apology."  --Jay Leno

"I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to
feed it."  --Steven Wright

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."  --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" 
--John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them
above globes.  They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."  --Jerry Seinfeld

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least
they can find Kuwait."  --A. Whitney Brown

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second." --Steven Wright

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set.  I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I 
actually bought a congressman."  --Bruce Baum

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three
best friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."  --Rita Mae Brown